Head first into darkness

TBH. I am freaking confused about so much. It only gets more compounded being alone and I am so near the edge of just falling apart. There is so much going on within me that I feel like I could just explode. I am angry, I am sad, I am lonely, I am so frustrated, I am exhausted. There are way too many emotions to feel; like a tangled mess. Today, I tried so hard just to go about my day and stay busy. Stay out of my own life…if that makes any sense at all. Where do I begin?

It seemed to start a few months ago. I really am alone. When I really need to be honest and talk about what is on my heart..I have no one to turn to.

So, I’ve had this friend for years that I had considered my closest and dearest friend. I was always the person she could turn to and I would listen. I thought. I’m not one to open up so easily. I guess a part of me is still scared to be so truthful and to say what is really going on with me. So, I suppose that comes across as being closed off. It always seemed like an inconvenience when I needed that someone to listen to me when I was ready to talk. Whenever she was near I would try to make plans to meet up but she never had time. So, I closed myself off more. Today, there was news of her visit home and then a friend of ours commented something about hanging out. She quickly responded with agreement. I’ll be honest in saying that it hurt my feelings that she would be so open to someone else that easily and quickly. It makes me think more about this sense of rejection of me. What a powerful word. REJECTION.

I’m still struggling so much with feeling rejected. How does one cope with that? It is a tough one to deal with. I’m trying so hard to let it all go. I am hurt. IT comes down to being hurt by someone I loved and not being able to be honest about it. To completely feel the emotions that come with that has been so tough. Now, pile on that realization that I am alone; is overwhelming.

I have no idea what to do with all of this. I am trying to forget him and still live life. To deal with the feelings of rejection. Trying not to allow myself to think too much about what was rejected. I still want to love who I am despite what I wish could have been to him. Then, I feel so dumb for thinking that way and to allow someone to make me think this way. It’s like a cycle of beating myself up and I am aware of it. Grrr.

This is my TBH post. I just needed to express myself.

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Hollowness

I started reading a book recently. It’s been awhile since I’ve been able to take some time to get lost in a story. It’s actually a really good book. It kinda matches the mood and so I’m immersed in the plot and wonder what will happen next.

Lately, once again I have distanced myself from all those around me. I tend to do this more often than I want. It’s like I find solace in silence and just need to be alone. I even made a comment today like…”I really don’t have any close friends.” Then the person I was talking to said, “Can I tell you something? It’s because you are all surface level. You never really talk about things to anyone…not even me.” I had no come back. No answer. I didn’t’ feel the need to defend myself. I knew it was the truth. All my life I’ve kept people at a distance never allowing myself to open up. Protection? From what?

While this conversation is going on in the ‘here and now’ my head is swirling with silent thoughts and a silent conversation with myself. I thought of him. The one person I think I ever felt so close to. So comfortable with. Safe. I never thought in a million years (and one) to ever be that person who talked about a ‘soul mate’. I mean it’s irrational to think like that. Yet, I’ll admit to it…I have thought of him as the one person that I had this sort of connection with. It can’t be explained. It’s like I’ve known him all my life. It’s too odd to describe but this is who I thought of today.

When we met it was just coincidence. It was like we were passing on the street and I accidentally bumped into him and said, “sorry.” Kept walking and then I turned back. He turned back at the same time. No smile. Just a glance.

So, how did we end up thinking of moments together? Moments in the past, present, and even moments in the future? How did we go from this simple meeting to something so tangled and complicated? It’s something that I will never have and it crushes me every time I think of it. So, I try so hard to think…think of him and this fictional life.

Anyway, there was a part in the book that made me think of this.

“I don’t believe in soul mates, but there’s an understanding between us that I just haven’t felt before, or at least, not for a long time. It comes from shared experience, from knowing how it feels to be broken. Hollowness: that I understand.” -Paula Hawkins

Tidal waves 

Whew! Just trying to sort things out before I came to write. I don’t want to be over emotional or seem crazy. It’s been a crazy time for me. Let’s just say it’s been a roller coaster and it is literally flying full speed ahead. I’m hanging on tight! 

I am being strong and not allowing my emotions and thoughts to take over. Long drives have been therapeutic but at the same time it has made me face things head on. 

Time to let things go. Time to be honest with myself. Accepting the situations as they are. It’s hard to admit that you have faults. That some just don’t like you. The most painful reality? Acceptance of not being attractive and to be okay with it. For a woman to come to see that reality is hard. Ugh!!! Now to see it plainly on a white page…it’s out there. 

*sigh*

Be grateful.

Lesson for today? Be grateful…for those in your life or those you come in contact with.

I love my job and it consists of meeting people I’d otherwise would never meet. I come into their lives to help them with their health. I ask those uncomfortable questions and help them sort out how to deal with physical and mental illness. I poke and prod around in their lives and try to help them with finding resources for housing, food, etc. Some are so happy to know that I am coming to see them; some not so much. But, there are those few that I come in and it feels like I’ve been a part of their lives for years! It’s like a reunion of our souls and I feel right at home with them. It’s a feeling that can’t be explain.

This past March, I had one such encounter with a family. First, I had to call because I couldn’t find their home. Google maps had me go in circles and come to find out that one of the roads that google maps took me to…did not exist! Eventually, they led me to their home. Two of the three welcomed me at the door. With smiles. We sat around the kitchen table and talked. As I went through all the assessments and gathered the information I needed one of the parents would chime in about something personal about their family. They made sure I was hydrated. By the time I left there was a pan full of hot muffins that were in the process of being made before my arrival. Such a sweet sweet family. As I was leaving the home I was stop and  given two muffins, a bottle of water, and a can of juice by the father of the home. He smiled and told me that he was glad that I came to see them today.

Today, I called to schedule our next visit and was saddened to find that they just buried the gentlemen that was so kind. I felt sad and it affected me a little bit more than I thought it would. It took one encounter to leave a fond memory. So, be grateful for those who come into your life because you may never see them again.

Thinking of this dear family today.

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Another day of driving. This new job has allowed me to drive and think. There is never a lack of thinking. Thoughts are my constant companion. Thinking and overthinking has always been my downfall. I tend to allow my mind to race without discipline; it has raced out of control and I often found myself deep in despair. It’s a sad fact, that I am finally willing to take responsibility for and admit out loud. I am the worst of all thinkers.

I’ve always loved reading quotes. I was able to find some real good blogs that have help me to begin this thing…I still don’t know what to call it…”Journey” doesn’t seem to give it justice. Vision quest is too corny. Search just makes it sound like I’m completely lost (which I believe to be untrue). So, it remain nameless. Which is probably a great thing since I have a difficult time leaving things undefined or named. So maybe this is some progress? *I had to chuckle*

Anyway, back to the quotes and blogs. I found one blog a few years ago but really didn’t dive into the content until today. I never read about the author himself and today I did. WOW! His brutal and honest self assessment of himself.  As i was reading his long, raw, confessions about himself the man…five words is what impacted me the most.

My goal was to smile.” -E. Sanders

It’s odd how these words slapped me in the face because today as I was driving I literally thought about my smile. Let me explain.

First, I believe my best feature…my lips. Therefore, I love playing them up. I literally have about 40-50 tubes of lipstick in my make-up drawer. Today, I put on “Cinnamon Spice” which is this beautiful shade of red. I am driving along with my dark sun glasses and an amazing lip color. I was passing a person on the freeway they took a glance at me in their side mirror. I could see them looking at me. I was stoic. At that moment I wondered why I didn’t crack a smile. At least to say “Hello, have a great day!” with my smile. I’ve been often told that I look mean and unapproachable. I really don’t mean to “look” this way. I just don’t know smile often. It takes work and it’s exhausting when it’s forced.