Magical Thinking

Dearest, I feel certain I am going mad again. I feel we can’t go through another of these terrible times again and I shan’t recover this time. I begin to hear voices and can’t concentrate. So I’m doing what seems to be the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I know that I’m spoiling your life and without me you could work, and you will, I know. You see, I can’t even write this properly. What I want to say is that I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me. And incredibly good. Everything is gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can’t go on spoiling your life any longer. I don’t think two people could have been happier than we have been.

I did say that I would be honest on these blank white pages. I miss him. I usually fight the urge to flip through the scenes in my mind of all the things that I miss but today…I miss him terribly. I know it may be due to the fall out of world war III in my house but I do miss the solitude of knowing I had one person who understood me. At this moment, I would love to hear his voice with it’s yoda kinda style.  I laugh to myself as I think of the funny things he would say. Things not meant to be funny…but lost in translation. That was being real. He was real and never apologized for being real. I suspect this is what drew me to him. I was always the type of person apologizing…trying to please; also looking for some sort of approval. He was most attractive when I heard him speak, not only for the sound of his voice but the intensity of what he was saying; the passion behind what he thought…believed. Strong words that were so sure of a belief. Those beliefs were formed through deep thought and maybe even experience; never said out of irresponsibility.

So, when I go down this path of doubt…I have to think of the conversations and expressions of emotions. I remind myself that he never said things without really meaning what was spoken. I find comfort in that; even in the reality of the circumstances. Truth was bittersweet.

I’m still stuck in a world of magical thinking. The belief that one’s thoughts, words, or actions will cause or prevent a specific outcome in some way that defies commonly understood laws of nature.

Dear Leonard. To look life in the face. Always to look life in the face and to know it for what it is. At last to know it. To love it for what it is, and then, to put it away. Leonard. Always the years between us. Always the years. Always the love. Always the hours.

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