With the events of the recent terror in Boston I’ve found it difficult to be in the present. Not only due to the sadness of the events but also the events that are happening personally. So today, the sound of the wind outside my office is making me feel like some disaster is looming. It makes me feel unsettled. Anxious. Do you understand what I mean? I want to check out of all these events and just hide away. I don’t want to think of anything…make no decisions. I just want to settle into the rhythm of my chest as it goes up….down. Eventually falling asleep to escape from all the chaos in the wind.
My life at the current time is painful. First, I miss him. I miss the one person I felt that accepted me. I miss feeling loved regardless of myself. I miss feeling important to someone. To know that my being makes someone feel loved. That I want to ensure they know their existence is important to me. I miss knowing they miss me enough to want to be in my presence and will show it in a phone call or jumping into their car to drive miles to steal some time with me. I miss the kisses. I miss the touch. I miss the scent of his addiction to cigarettes…mixed with his cologne. I miss being able to feel the jump of excitement at the thought…sight of him.
Yet, I don’t miss not knowing the outcome. I don’t miss the distance. I don’t miss the irritating silence. I don’t miss not hearing ‘I love you’ when I wanted to be comforted with those words. I don’t miss the realities of our separate lives. I don’t miss feeling like the ‘other’ woman. I don’t miss his indifference towards me. I don’t miss the moments of leaving.
I made a decision. A decision that is ‘best’ for everyone. A decision that is supposed to be best for me. I’m trying really hard to deal with the decision and try to let go. I’m finding it hard and I hate feeling like I’m standing at the edge of tears but can’t cry! I’m tired of feeling like I don’t belong where I am. I hate that I miss him so much. I just hate not having him a part of my life. I hate wanting to get a phone call or an email. I hate those days when I send an email and I am met with disappointment and sadness.