This past weekend I spent time with some friends and I laughed. My kids would make comments on my crazy laugh made fun of me. It’s okay. We all laughed…nope they were not laughing at me. It was good since I noticed that in the last year I retreated and remained anti-social. So it was good to get out and be among people again.
So, I have an addiction to TV…I’ve become a couch potato and some weekends are spent just watching shows that have been recorded throughout the week. I also threw in a foreign film which turned into a mistake. But I saw this movie through new eyes and I ended up being okay. I watched the country music festival thing. I fast forwarded through most of it but made sure to listen to the new songs. I then watched this show Iyanla Fix My Life.
A circle of friends that went into business together and after a year or so…they had lots of drama/conflict and the entire company fell apart. It really made me think about a few things. Number one question, “Am I a good friend?” I wondered if I was a friend that was right there in the trenches when a fellow sister was hurting. I can’t really say I have been. Especially going through what I went through this past year….
The past year and what is to come has been and continues to be difficult. I basically came to a place where I felt like I stood alone. It was tough….The minute it all came down I was alone. I have no words to explain what it felt like to know that there wasn’t that one person I could call when I was in the midst of falling apart and I needed someone. Even when it came to family…they all kept their distance and I kept making excuses like…”they just don’t know what to say”….”they are really busy”. Even now, relationships have not been the same and I doubt they ever will. I don’t think I’ve ever cried as much as I did in the last few months. They weren’t lying when they say that you find out who your friends are in the difficult times. I felt abandoned in all ways possible. Yet, it feels so necessary.
Yeah, it’s been work to get to this place where I’m learning to stand on my own two feet. I was in denial for a long time. I lived in an alternate universe of my own making. I made things up in this world and hung so much on what I thought was there. Now, I look for the brutal truth. I guess in efforts to keep myself from going back to the alternate universe. I’ve not made efforts to connect with those I thought were my friends. To tell you the truth, I’m so damn scared of rejection that I don’t want to try. I feel like I’ve been broken enough. Sometimes I think I’ve not been broken enough and I’m scared that I’ll never learn.
So, I believe I’ve reduced myself to a place of “what is”. Nothing more. I’m sure this makes no sense at all but the one thing is fear or the unknown still haunts me. So even if it’s hurtful…the brutal truth is what I need. I remind myself often that the universe does not revolve around me. I had to make peace with knowing I only hurt those close to me but I also had to look at what I created afar. It was put plainly to me..the word RUIN was a good word. I didn’t think of all the ruin that I caused all around…like the tornado that just blows through at their own speed…leaving a trail of destruction. I’ve realized the trail of destruction that my desires have caused. So coming to terms of that reality has been humbling.
I had to start apologizing to those involved and I’ve learned to accept my fault in all of it. Working through it…working through it. I know this sounds so depressing but these are the thoughts I struggle through and I have nowhere to take them. Just here and I know I always feel better putting it all on a page. I am so bad at expressing myself otherwise.