…I’m caught up and tangled. That being said…
How do I respond to a discussion about a situation in all its reality? There is no possible way an argument could be made to debate it. Maybe it’s my inability to believe this reality. Not necessarily believe it but maybe accept it. All I could do is run all that was said through my mind over and over. I attempt to deconstruct it and break it down piece by piece. What was said made complete and total sense. Yet, what do I do with all that information? That is where I am tangled.
My mind says one thing and my being says another. Five years ago, I acted like an immature person looking at this relationship with all the possibilities in the world. Looking through eyes that saw some sort of future. My head was in the clouds. My expectations were as if I had possessed more than I did. All of it was shallow and selfish. It was all in efforts to make myself feel better. The relationship was to meet my need to feel loved and important. I threw the word “love” around without responsibility.
Then, reality hit. I mean “the real” reality. I was forced to make some decisions. I made them again out of selfish gain. I didn’t want to cause waves in my world so to make things easy I chose the way I did. In this process I chose to allow myself to become apathetic to all around me. I attempted to convince myself of so many things; one of them being the following: I stopped having expectation of being saved. Stopped feeling like “being that important” to be loved in that way. I gave up on myself and the thought of deserving whatever…happiness, love, commitment, kindness, etc.
There was a year that I call “The Year of Silence” when I had to live without the person that I clung to. In that year of silence, I realized that the immature feelings were completely ridiculous. That the word “love” was cheap because of how I used it. I wanted it and tried to take it…force it. Yet, in the year of silence I did learn one thing. Someone could become so entwined in my being that when they are no longer there; I feel lonely…a real loneliness. Realization, only one has accepted me as I am. They have invested themselves in me regardless of my faults, regardless of my insecurities, and despite of me. It wasn’t love; which at the time was the pinnacle of all of my emotions. I believe it was the height of it all.
Now, I know that I’m still trying to be careful and I choose my words carefully. I often remind myself to be rational and not go off the deep end into La La Land. I often remind myself of the harsh reality of my life. Yet, there is always this connection. It is far more than a love that will fade or end. He nailed it when he said, Its connection.” Never in my life have had this type of connection; when I can be honest and let someone see me at all my states of being. Especially when I feel the most venerable…when I am sobbing because I hurt. He has seen my joy when we laugh together. He has encouraged me to see my own strength and to be proud of who I am. He has shown me that I am beautiful.
I look at him and I see a man who helped me take those walls down brick by brick. He took my hand and hasn’t let go. He is my strength when I fall apart. He brings that laughter into my life. I literally can’t find the words of who he is to me.
Not to deny my love or care for him. It is more than this. I trust him with all of my being. I trust that he will be reliable, good, and honest. I have admiration for him. Meaning that I respect him. I adore his character; his entire being.