I don’t.

 

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Have you ever had this unanswered question? An answer you were afraid to hear? I did. I was brave enough to ask it this morning. I got the answer.

I was browsing photographs and found this one. Phone frozen; disconnected and the world around it keeps moving along. That is the way I felt for awhile regarding this question. I was always ‘wondering’ and god I had hoped that I had nothing to worry about. That there was this same kind of fire burning as it had when it all began. I had hoped that just like me…he would think of me and a smile would come across his face; that he couldn’t wait to see or talk to me again. That just maybe even in our unfortunate situations that we still wanted this relationship and still wanted this connection. A “No Matter What” mentality.” That we would hold on to what we had built over the years. 

BUT! He answered the dreaded question. The words that made my stomach turn and suddenly I felt the rush of dread and fear comes across my entire body. I suppose this is what people describe as the blood draining from them. My question was, “Do you still want me in your life?” His last words that will stick in memory, “I don’t.” All I could say was, “ok.” Inside I was screaming and wanting to change his mind. I wanted to be that pathetic person and beg…beg hard. I realized how easily the words tumbled out for him. I brought  myself back to the reality of that. His final words. The answer I needed. 

phone frozen; disconnected

 

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