Gone.

This last week has been a stressful one at work and in my personal life.

First work, just the beginning of the school year and I’ve been busy. I had two more schools added this year so I am still trying to figure out how to be where I need to be and get things done. Then when I got it down and I’m rolling and looking organized…BOOM! I have a suicide attempt and a drug bust all in one day! The waves from the first event are still crashing onto the shore line…and I think I’ll see the residual effects in those small waves for a few more weeks to come. Those who witnessed the incident are now coming out of the shock and I’ve been on call to meet those who need it. Organization has gone out the window as I have fallen two days behind in the counseling sessions I was to do. It will get done.

Regrets. I had a dream this past week and I awoke with real tears in my eyes. In the dream I was where I wanted to be. It seemed so real and then I had to say good-bye for some reason and in the dream I was crying. I woke up. This week, I still logged onto the sites in hopes to get some sort of communication. Nothing. You know that year of silence? It begins again and this time around I feel the finality of it. One day, I will stop looking and hoping.  

It’s funny  how I think about things. I seriously had this idea. I never realized that him not saying what I wanted to hear is exactly what he was feeling. His silence was the answer. He didn’t feel it. I have been thinking about the progression and I wonder if I was just kidding myself. Then I think about something concrete…he said those words to me…”I love you.” I saw them. Did he lie? He has been so good about saying what he means. So when he said those words I really believed him. He told me I was his moon and stars. Those mean something, right? 

It’s a struggle to make sense of it. So the thing I have to do to stop hope is to take a good look at the last words to that question, “Do you still want me to be part of your life?” 

“I don’t.”

 

what is happening

….this is what is happening. 

At this moment, I miss my best friend.

I miss the person I adore.

I hurt from knowing he doesn’t want me.

Hope in us has gone.

Knowing it is done and it’s time for me to just let him go. 

Time to live in what is happening.

He is gone.

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