Oh my bad…

Why are relationships so difficult? In love and in friendship? I wish I knew the answer to that question. It would sure makes things so much easier. These last few years has been a definite uphill battle and I am still trying to get to the top and feel like I’ve accomplished something. At this point I can honestly say that I feel like a failure in a lot of areas.

So, there is a guy I stumbled into about 6 years ago. When I first met him I was intrigued with the mystery behind the voice…the accent. I was curious so I kept going back. I soon myself smitten. I found myself thinking of him often and the possibility of a life started to creep into my head. Funny thing is, he never gave me the impression of that life. I guess like the typical girl….I fell hard and my mind started to create this future. When all along in his….there was “nothing.”  I guess when he first typed those words, “I love you. I really do” that was it….I was gone and my heart was his. I really wanted this life with him. I was happy and he brought me joy. I had found my best friend.

Then, reality hit and the shit hit the fan. In that moment I thought I’d have someone there to tell me it was going to be okay.  That he would hold me and make me feel safe. He just had to be there with me. Yet, when it came down to it. He was quiet. He didn’t hold me. The moment when I needed him to stand up he chose not to. Then, he disappeared. Went MIA. I attempted to contact him in various ways. I got nothing for almost a year. Those months of his absence could best be described as excruciating. There was so much that happened that left me exposed at the nerves. I was wreck and it seemed like I wanted to crawl into a deep hole to avoid all experience of life. The truth, he left me. It was in these months that I realized how much or how little I was to him. Trust me…very painful realization. It was the one action that literally broke me down.

It’s been about two years since that incident and I still have my moments. I still find myself crying myself to sleep silently. I still find myself wanting to share news with him. Sometimes we still talk but I sense the difference in us. Even after all this time I still want him to say so much. Express so much. I guess to validate me in some way. He told me that I was mentally unstable and psychotic for thinking this way. Is it??

I found this today:

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