Detached. 

It sure has been a week! I am so ready for the summer. This school year has been brutal in all ways possible. This past week I let someone bring me down and I should know better because I know I do the best in my job. This person has no clue of what I do! It really made me so angry. I literally had to keep my mouth shut so not to say anything I would regret later. Which leads me to a one sided conversation I had. After the event of the day I went to someone of great importance to me. I wanted to share my frustration, anger and yeah a little bit of hurt. I didn’t really get a response. Then the person just left the conversation as if I didn’t just tell them about a real tough day.

I think I finally get it. I am tired of being kept at arms length. Being kept from all aspects of that person’s life. I am not invited and I am not worthy to be; nor “have the clearance.” It is a hard realization that it will remain this way. I will admit that I was really sad because I want to know so much more. To have a real honest discussion about a day and all that happens. Connecting. I just want honesty and to know I matter enough to be allowed to know all that which is painful…the fears. These are all very deep things which makes a person vulnerable. It is the most intimate action…to give someone else that part of yourself. To share the things which are difficult and even the things that are good! What makes the person happy. It’s the sharing part.

There are enough people we come into contact with daily. We often pass them with no regard to who they are or what they did that day. Then we have people we love to love and we share more than just passing them in space. We look into their eyes…we want the connection since they are no longer just an ordinary person; you want to touch them physically and emotionally.

So yes…it has been a real difficult week. I feel completely devastated and I can’t do anything about it. These are real honest feelings and thoughts I am having. Plus it is raining and I hear the sound of thunder in the background. This type of weather is my favorite and  I often find peace and comfort in it. I just needed to be completely in the rain. No more hoping things will change or pleading for them to change. It is what it is. No one can sustain like this and be okay. I am definitely not okay.

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