I’ve contemplated the necessity to write an entry and the reasons as to why I needed to write one. These two questions came to mind. Is writing a way to allow myself an outlet for all the things I am thinking and feeling? Or is it a means of communicating what I wish I could say to someone? Say it without fear…the truth. The answers? Yes and Yes. I’ve used this blog as a means of both.
Last night I cried myself to sleep. I had this overwheming feeling of sadness and I sobbed quietly. There was one other time I felt this sort of sadness. While I was In the Netherlands I was on a boat looking out towards a village in the distance. It was gloomy yet I still thought it was beautiful. All of a sudden I felt like crying. I felt completely lonely. My thoughts were of him and how much I wanted to share the experience with him.
Last night I was thinking about our last night together. I wanted him to love me and that night he was distant. I wanted him to make love to me yet he had sex with me. I wanted him to hold onto me but his arms didn’t reach for me after. I attempted to snuggle with him but he remained still and didn’t speak. I tried to show my affections by kissing him on the lips, chin, nose and forehead. He said nothing. I was dismissed so easily like the whore that I felt like. If his intentions were to hurt me…he succeeded. So, last night it hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt it and I could no longer remain numb to it. Sorrow.
I keep thinking of a reality I just may have to face. He is finished with me. I don’t know what to do with that. All I know at this moment is that I am deeply affected by it and it’s painful. That is my truth. Now what?