Where to begin

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I’m at a crossroads.

Time to make some decisions and choices. I choose to be happy. I choose to look at my life as a gift. The last few years I’ve been lost and wandering trying so hard to find purpose or maybe it was a place to belong. I wandered and thought I had someone to wander with. Then, realization…. that after all these years I still have no idea who he is. I think I wanted to know and maybe asked enough question but I never was allowed in.  It was years of constant yearning of a life that I couldn’t have. I think I was so consumed with this adoration of this person that I lost touch with who I am. I was so focus on the pursuit. So here I am. With sight. Wanting happiness in where I am. This calls for surveying the land before me and taking a deep breath. And living right here.

I know this is absolutely crazy and insane but the first thing I did for myself was to make my office my home. I recently started a job which allowed me to  essentially work from home. I had the job for about four months and had not settled into my office. Yes, the walls were painted and I had the basic furniture. But, it was not a place I claimed as my space. So, I had work to do. With the help of my sister I refurbished some old bookshelves into “me” style. I got my collection of books into them. I finally got some window coverings. I debated…shades….drapes??? After about a week or two of procrastination..I chose drapes. I felt that it would make the office a little more like home.

The next thing I did was to display my college degrees. These two pieces of fancy paper were stuffed into an oversize hard stock envelope for years…hidden in my closet. I’ve always been proud of what I’ve accomplished but some reason I always felt like it wasn’t good enough. It’s odd; receiving them were my proudest personal  achievements but those moments were also times of great sadness. I suppose that is the reason for years I’ve never felt like celebrating those moments.

I remember staring at this blank wall in my office and I tried to look for some type of artwork or maybe a nice photo but nothing was appealing. Then, while cleaning out my closet I came across this envelope and opened it up (because I forgot what was inside) and pulled out these two sheets of paper. I smiled. It was at that moment that I decided what would fill that empty space. Now, they sit on my wall right in front of me to remind me of my determination to do what others said I couldn’t do. Reminders that I can do what I put my mind to. That I am brave enough to step out beyond my comfort zone. That I am smart. That I am strong enough to get through the hard times. That I am important.

 

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