Hollowness

I started reading a book recently. It’s been awhile since I’ve been able to take some time to get lost in a story. It’s actually a really good book. It kinda matches the mood and so I’m immersed in the plot and wonder what will happen next.

Lately, once again I have distanced myself from all those around me. I tend to do this more often than I want. It’s like I find solace in silence and just need to be alone. I even made a comment today like…”I really don’t have any close friends.” Then the person I was talking to said, “Can I tell you something? It’s because you are all surface level. You never really talk about things to anyone…not even me.” I had no come back. No answer. I didn’t’ feel the need to defend myself. I knew it was the truth. All my life I’ve kept people at a distance never allowing myself to open up. Protection? From what?

While this conversation is going on in the ‘here and now’ my head is swirling with silent thoughts and a silent conversation with myself. I thought of him. The one person I think I ever felt so close to. So comfortable with. Safe. I never thought in a million years (and one) to ever be that person who talked about a ‘soul mate’. I mean it’s irrational to think like that. Yet, I’ll admit to it…I have thought of him as the one person that I had this sort of connection with. It can’t be explained. It’s like I’ve known him all my life. It’s too odd to describe but this is who I thought of today.

When we met it was just coincidence. It was like we were passing on the street and I accidentally bumped into him and said, “sorry.” Kept walking and then I turned back. He turned back at the same time. No smile. Just a glance.

So, how did we end up thinking of moments together? Moments in the past, present, and even moments in the future? How did we go from this simple meeting to something so tangled and complicated? It’s something that I will never have and it crushes me every time I think of it. So, I try so hard to think…think of him and this fictional life.

Anyway, there was a part in the book that made me think of this.

“I don’t believe in soul mates, but there’s an understanding between us that I just haven’t felt before, or at least, not for a long time. It comes from shared experience, from knowing how it feels to be broken. Hollowness: that I understand.” -Paula Hawkins

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