Head first into darkness

TBH. I am freaking confused about so much. It only gets more compounded being alone and I am so near the edge of just falling apart. There is so much going on within me that I feel like I could just explode. I am angry, I am sad, I am lonely, I am so frustrated, I am exhausted. There are way too many emotions to feel; like a tangled mess. Today, I tried so hard just to go about my day and stay busy. Stay out of my own life…if that makes any sense at all. Where do I begin?

It seemed to start a few months ago. I really am alone. When I really need to be honest and talk about what is on my heart..I have no one to turn to.

So, I’ve had this friend for years that I had considered my closest and dearest friend. I was always the person she could turn to and I would listen. I thought. I’m not one to open up so easily. I guess a part of me is still scared to be so truthful and to say what is really going on with me. So, I suppose that comes across as being closed off. It always seemed like an inconvenience when I needed that someone to listen to me when I was ready to talk. Whenever she was near I would try to make plans to meet up but she never had time. So, I closed myself off more. Today, there was news of her visit home and then a friend of ours commented something about hanging out. She quickly responded with agreement. I’ll be honest in saying that it hurt my feelings that she would be so open to someone else that easily and quickly. It makes me think more about this sense of rejection of me. What a powerful word. REJECTION.

I’m still struggling so much with feeling rejected. How does one cope with that? It is a tough one to deal with. I’m trying so hard to let it all go. I am hurt. IT comes down to being hurt by someone I loved and not being able to be honest about it. To completely feel the emotions that come with that has been so tough. Now, pile on that realization that I am alone; is overwhelming.

I have no idea what to do with all of this. I am trying to forget him and still live life. To deal with the feelings of rejection. Trying not to allow myself to think too much about what was rejected. I still want to love who I am despite what I wish could have been to him. Then, I feel so dumb for thinking that way and to allow someone to make me think this way. It’s like a cycle of beating myself up and I am aware of it. Grrr.

This is my TBH post. I just needed to express myself.


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