Where to begin

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I’m at a crossroads.

Time to make some decisions and choices. I choose to be happy. I choose to look at my life as a gift. The last few years I’ve been lost and wandering trying so hard to find purpose or maybe it was a place to belong. I wandered and thought I had someone to wander with. Then, realization…. that after all these years I still have no idea who he is. I think I wanted to know and maybe asked enough question but I never was allowed in.  It was years of constant yearning of a life that I couldn’t have. I think I was so consumed with this adoration of this person that I lost touch with who I am. I was so focus on the pursuit. So here I am. With sight. Wanting happiness in where I am. This calls for surveying the land before me and taking a deep breath. And living right here.

I know this is absolutely crazy and insane but the first thing I did for myself was to make my office my home. I recently started a job which allowed me to  essentially work from home. I had the job for about four months and had not settled into my office. Yes, the walls were painted and I had the basic furniture. But, it was not a place I claimed as my space. So, I had work to do. With the help of my sister I refurbished some old bookshelves into “me” style. I got my collection of books into them. I finally got some window coverings. I debated…shades….drapes??? After about a week or two of procrastination..I chose drapes. I felt that it would make the office a little more like home.

The next thing I did was to display my college degrees. These two pieces of fancy paper were stuffed into an oversize hard stock envelope for years…hidden in my closet. I’ve always been proud of what I’ve accomplished but some reason I always felt like it wasn’t good enough. It’s odd; receiving them were my proudest personal  achievements but those moments were also times of great sadness. I suppose that is the reason for years I’ve never felt like celebrating those moments.

I remember staring at this blank wall in my office and I tried to look for some type of artwork or maybe a nice photo but nothing was appealing. Then, while cleaning out my closet I came across this envelope and opened it up (because I forgot what was inside) and pulled out these two sheets of paper. I smiled. It was at that moment that I decided what would fill that empty space. Now, they sit on my wall right in front of me to remind me of my determination to do what others said I couldn’t do. Reminders that I can do what I put my mind to. That I am brave enough to step out beyond my comfort zone. That I am smart. That I am strong enough to get through the hard times. That I am important.

 

Flying cow.

This past weekend I relaxed. I attempted to do a few things I hadn’t done in some time. Tried to start a book. Tried to finish this blanket I started. I tried not to think too much…

My life since this new job has felt beyond chaos. Imagine that tornado in the movie twister…you know the scene with the cows flying by…totally me! Cow  caught up in this natural disaster. Add a few life events and it is a full blown tornado. So, this past weekend was the first weekend I didn’t do one thing that required cooking, cleaning, or thinking. I attempted to just exist and turn everything down or off. It was kinda nice to enjoy the silence but of course it always reminds me of loneliness then I try to occupy myself to avoid the thinking.

However…I got to watch a movie and I enjoyed it. Loved it! Yeah, it was one of them sappy love stories but I couldn’t resist watching something I wanted and not worry about anyone seeing me cry. I didn’t cry…came close but didn’t. This is the song that tugged at my heart.

Loving can hurt
Loving can hurt sometimes
But it’s the only thing that I know
When it gets hard
You know it can get hard sometimes
It is the only thing that makes us feel alive

We keep this love in a photograph
We made these memories for ourselves
Where our eyes are never closing
Hearts are never broken
Times forever frozen still

So you can keep me
Inside the pocket
Of your ripped jeans
Holdin’ me closer
‘Til our eyes meet
You won’t ever be alone
Wait for me to come home

Loving can heal
Loving can mend your soul
And it’s the only thing that I know (know)
I swear it will get easier
Remember that with every piece of ya
And it’s the only thing we take with us when we die

We keep this love in this photograph
We made these memories for ourselves
Where our eyes are never closing
Our hearts were never broken
Times forever frozen still

So you can keep me
Inside the pocket
Of your ripped jeans
Holdin’ me closer
‘Til our eyes meet
You won’t ever be alone

And if you hurt me
That’s OK, baby, only words bleed
Inside these pages you just hold me
And I won’t ever let you go

Wait for me to come home [4x]

Oh you can fit me
Inside the necklace you got when you were 16
Next to your heartbeat
Where I should be
Keep it deep within your soul

And if you hurt me
Well, that’s OK, baby, only words bleed
Inside these pages you just hold me
And I won’t ever let you go

When I’m away
I will remember how you kissed me
Under the lamppost
Back on 6th street
Hearing you whisper through the phone,
“Wait for me to come home.”

Overall, June is always a hard month. Let me tell you why…it is the month of my birth. Every year goes by without notice of the day. It’s kinda depressing to know that those closer or those that are supposed to “love” you allow it to pass by like any other day. Maybe I’m just selfish to want to feel like I’m important to someone..that on the day of my birth someone is happy to have me in their life.  Is that wrong to want? I never say that outloud…

Egomania

Well…hello there! It’s been awhile since I’ve sat and “penned ” an entry. Let’s just say that I needed some time to myself. Needed some time to examine and plan the next move. I literally fell into the egomania head first and thought the entire world should revolve around me. I was going to start a whole new blog but re-thunk the idea and decided to keep all the prior entries to see where I’ve come out of. In hopes of not slipping back into MYSELF. lol

Well, where should I begin…I have a new job! After years of my previous job I came to realize how burnt out I was. I was no longer effective in the job and it was a sad slow death. It’t okay. I’m okay. I think this transition to a whole new world has helped me get perspective. I’ve had to learn new skills and bring old ones back after some refinement. I do a lot of traveling but I have found that I do enjoy this. I enjoy getting out and seeing new places and meeting lots of new people. Overall? It has been a welcomed change.

Next, “the guy”. Wow! I was reading some of my old entries and boy! It’s pathetic! I sounded like a crazed stalker! Well, the guy is still a part of my life but I think I finally got the hint. Thank God! At least I can say thatwe are still friends. The parts about ‘how much I care’ and how I cherish our friendship is still true but I don’t have to be the center of his attention anymore. Surprise Surprise! I am still alive and didn’t die of a broken heart.

I really had to get over myself! It may take awhile to get to a place to ‘know’ I am truly okay; but I am on the way to that place. I have come to terms with this fact: I will always fight dysthymia and will learn to cope with the constant feelings of depression.

Time.

It helps not to always test people either. Not to always wait on them to pay attention to you.

 

 

While you Loved Me

Changes. It happens. I was getting ready with the cleaning process of my office and found all my CD’s that I’ve created over the years and most of them made with a certain someone in mind. I decided to listen to them while working today and some of those songs struck a chord in my heart. Some made me smile because of all the  great memories of how I felt and continue to feel. Some made me sad because of the how apart we are now. Some made me cry because I am trying to connect with you but all I receive is silence and it hurts. Knowing that when I leave that it is final. That the process of cleaning out my office also means that I’ll be closing out that chapter in my life. That no matter how much I may want to hold onto you; I can’t make someone still love me; still want me.

So, as I listen to these songs and remember all that we have been through and knowing that it is finished. The song, “While You Loved Me” played and I made peace with letting go and not attempting to contact you anymore. That your silence is now met with my silence and I leave these last few years in my heart.