Life

Lovers & Liars

Tolerable but not temptingLeave a comment

“I hope you choke on every word you spoke when you were screaming at me. And realize how many times I’ve tried, but that’s wishful thinking. All I want is an apology for what you did and how you treated me. Get me far away, or at least as far as this car will take me.” -Matchbook Romance

These last few days were spent alone and it’s be a long time since I was able to be alone and just exist. I really didn’t do much but work. I’ll admit that it was still hard to fall asleep and I tossed and turned because I was thinking way too much. I’m tired and thought tonight I would fall asleep at an earlier time but it didn’t happen. I’m still up listening to some music from back in the day. Matchbook Romance, Hawthorne Heights, Amber Pacific….etc.

Change in season is welcomed. The heat during the day is not great and I look forward to when the weather gets a little cold. I have always enjoyed this time of the year. Don’t get me wrong the massive amount of rain has made the land more beautiful than it has been in years. To see all that green and then all the wild flowers. Beautiful. I have enjoyed those sunrises and sunsets. I think when the weather starts to cool those colors seem to pop and the skies look massive. There is no way to explain it but I love it. In all the years this love for nature has never changed. Even when I’ve become this person who went from emotional vomit to not wanting to feel a thing…the sight of nature is soothing and yes romantic.

Anywho….I’m tired so I’m gonna hit the hay. Night world. I hope to come back soon.

Life

A good punch, thank you.

Tolerable but not temptingLeave a comment

“Please get some professional help.”

Again, it’s been a long time since I’ve sat down to write a real entry and I think the tangle mess in the pit of my stomach is the reason. I have so much there and I have this fear of it. In the past, I was honest and too many times it (my honesty) gets stomped on and so the best way to deal with this was to go numb or shut down, to disassociate. It’s at a point now that I hate hate…loathe any discussion about my emotions or feelings. I am so uncomfortable with myself and I hate all that is me right now.

Yet, I am still striving to be the best “Label placed here” for everyone else so that I don’t have to think about me and my own crap. In reality…I am useless in so many ways. It hurts. Very painful.

K.O.

Down for the count.

Life

The Guy with the Sign

Tolerable but not tempting2 Comments

I admit that I generally avoid watching the news or read the newspaper and I realize that it has made me oblivious to the world. Today, I was reminded of how ugly the world can be, because a guy was standing near the street with a sign. This type of thing never happens here so it was unusual and he was certainly visible. He held his sign with intention as I started driving towards him and I see the number “215” and then he flips it over and I read, “Children in a mass Grave.” It certainly caught my attention so I get home and google it.

It certainly is an awful reminder of the past which isn’t that far behind us. I still hear about the “Boarding School” era from my living relatives who can remember being taken away from their homes to be placed into schools. Lots of traumatic events are often buried deep within their souls, rarely discussed, but on occasion there is mention of the treatment in these schools. It is a history that I wish we could go back and undo because it has made great impact on who we are today.

All the trauma spilling out…gushing out…in the middle of life, life that seems or appears to be neat and tidy. These cracks being held together with hands that hold back all the emotions that come bubbling up to the surface until the hands crumble beneath the weight and knees that can no longer hold them; they come tumbling to the ground. All the while the world keeps marching forward around the heaps of defeat seeming unaware of the person that once stood strong.

It’s such a sad reminder of all that has happened to my people. Yet, a sense of pride to know that my great grandparents, grandparents, and my parents have survived the time when the running theme used to be, “The only good Indian is a dead Indian.”

We still stand tall. We are still here.

So, please think upon those 215 children found buried in a mass grave in Canada today.

215